We got this on Saturday:
To the entire staff of brianfrank.ca,
Folks, you’re doing a great job. We aren’t quite where we need to be yet but we’re getting there. You deserve a weekend off — not this one, and not the next either — maybe some time in August — definitely at least by the fall, or later — by winter hopefully, by the end of the year — if not this year then in 2010 for sure, after the Olympics.
In the mean time we will be starting work sooner and finishing later. We are also increasing the per-hour productivity quota.
Just a few more things:
We’re raising the bar on excellence — both in terms of quantity and quality. Not only must you produce more, we also expect you to produce better. As an incentive, the top 90% of performers each month will be generously awarded continued employment here.
I want to emphasize quality (of course, without de-emphasizing quantity). There have been far too many errors lately. We seem to be getting sloppier. Last month I saw a “reining” that should have been “reigning.” That is unacceptable. This is not Twitter.
Speaking of which…
I’m having legal draft a social media policy. This publication fully endorses the use of Twitter, Facebook, etc, as long as those platforms are used in a way that conveys no personality and no information. Use your judgement. I trust you.
Also on the topic of legalities, while we continue to crack down on what we let out, we are loosening up on what you may bring in. Feel free to borrow an entire paragraph from a blog. Nobody really reads them anyways.
Finally, in order to help everyone meet your higher quotas the company will provide energy drinks and high-sugar snacks, at a cost of 10% above retail. The price is more than fair considering you are not allowed to bring your own items or leave the premises during work hours: according to simple economics we could easily charge 75 – 100% above retail.
Hope everyone has a great weekend! Don’t forget to take advantage of the sunny weather during your lunch hour.
Yours professionally,
Me
P.S. I have discontinued our contract with the janitorial services company, so don’t forget to take care of your own garbage and wipe down your area at the end of the day. Going forward you will also take turns cleaning the washroom. Note these responsibilities must be done within the time you are already paid for and will not affect your work quotas in any way.
P.P.S Regarding satire and posts that attempt to use absurd humour: don’t. Just don’t do them. They are not funny and they diminish the brand. Try doing some real reporting something useful instead.
